Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you give feedback to an employee, and they immediately get defensive? Maybe they shut down, push back, or even get emotional. The conversation goes from constructive to unproductive in seconds, leaving you wondering how to salvage it.

If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. Handling defensiveness in the workplace can be incredibly challenging, but with the right approach, you can navigate these tough conversations without damaging trust or losing the opportunity for growth.

Let’s walk through exactly what you can do when an employee gets defensive, so you can keep the conversation on track, build trust, and make sure your feedback actually sticks.

Why Employees Get Defensive

Before diving into strategies, let’s first understand why employees might get defensive. It’s important to know that defensiveness isn’t just about what you said; there’s often something deeper at play. Here are a few common reasons why employees react this way:

• Fear of failure: They may be afraid of messing up, or they might worry about what others will think of them if they admit they didn’t get something perfect.
• Lack of trust: If they don’t feel safe or supported, they may feel threatened by the feedback and react defensively.
• Past experiences: If they’ve had negative feedback in the past—especially if it was harsh—they may be primed to react defensively, even when the feedback is more neutral or constructive.
• Imposter syndrome: If they’re already doubting their abilities, any form of critique can feel like confirmation that they don’t belong.
• Attachment to the status quo: If they’ve been doing something a certain way for a long time, a suggestion to change can feel like an attack on their competence.
• Fear of change: Employees who are resistant to change might see your feedback or suggestion as overwhelming, or as confirmation that they can’t handle new challenges.

Now that we know why defensiveness can happen, let’s talk about how to handle it without escalating the situation.

What NOT to Say

The first instinct when faced with a defensive response is often to call it out, to say something like, "You’re being really defensive." But trust me—this rarely works. It’s like telling someone who’s upset to "just calm down." It doesn’t solve the problem, and it can actually make things worse.

Instead, resist the urge to correct their behavior immediately. Acknowledge that defensiveness is a natural reaction, and approach the situation with curiosity and empathy.

How to Respond Without Escalating

When you notice an employee becoming defensive, your goal should be to keep the conversation calm, empathetic, and productive. Here’s a step-by-step approach to handle defensiveness without escalating:

1. Reflect: Gently Name What You’re Noticing

Instead of calling them defensive, simply acknowledge what you’re observing. For example, you could say:

"Hey, I noticed something shifted in our conversation just now. Can we pause and talk about that?"

This approach is non-confrontational, and it opens up space for the employee to share what they’re feeling without feeling attacked.

2. Regulate: Bring the Heat Down

Once you’ve acknowledged the defensiveness, it’s time to regulate the emotional temperature. Reflective listening can be helpful here. You might say something like:

"It seems like that feedback might have felt frustrating. Can you help me understand what part of it didn’t land well?"

This helps the employee feel heard and understood, which can encourage them to stay in the conversation rather than retreat into their defensive stance.

3. Reset: Rebuild Trust

When things have calmed down, it’s important to reset the tone and reassure the employee that you’re on the same team. You can say:

"I believe in you. I’m not bringing this up to criticize you. I’m bringing it up because I know you care, and I care too."

This reminder of your intentions and your belief in them can help re-establish trust and create a safe space for further discussion.

4. Revisit: Return to the Original Issue

Once the emotional temperature has settled, bring the conversation back to the issue at hand. You could say:

"Now that we’re in a better place, let’s revisit that feedback. I think it’s important for both your growth and for the team."

This shows that the goal is still progress and improvement, not perfection. It also signals that the conversation is ongoing, and you’re committed to resolving the issue constructively.

The Coaching Loop

Handling defensiveness in a conversation can feel tricky, but the best leaders approach these moments with a coaching mindset. Here’s a simple loop to follow when you encounter defensiveness:

1. Reflect – Gently acknowledge what you’re noticing.
2. Regulate – Use reflective listening to de-escalate.
3. Reset – Rebuild trust and remind them that you’re here to help.
4. Revisit – Bring the conversation back to the core issue.

Long-Term Strategies for Building a Feedback Culture

While handling defensiveness in the moment is critical, the real transformation happens when you create a workplace culture where feedback is a normal, everyday occurrence. Here are a few strategies for building a healthy feedback culture:

1. Make Feedback a Regular Part of the Conversation

Instead of saving feedback for formal reviews or big meetings, incorporate it into everyday conversations. Make feedback something that is given often, and not just when something goes wrong. This will help employees feel less surprised or defensive when it’s time for more formal feedback.

2. Challenge Yourself to Grow as a Coach

Don’t just focus on giving feedback—be intentional about growing as a coach. Seek to understand your employees better, ask more questions, and build stronger relationships through curiosity.

3. Encourage Reflection

After tough conversations, ask employees, "What did you take away from that?" or "How are you feeling after our chat?" This encourages ownership of their growth and keeps the lines of communication open.

4. Model It Yourself

As a leader, it’s essential that you model the behaviors you want to see in your team. Show that you’re open to feedback, willing to learn, and able to have tough conversations with grace.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with defensiveness isn’t easy, but it’s a skill every leader can develop with practice. By staying grounded, leading with empathy, and using a coaching mindset, you can turn these challenging moments into opportunities for growth—both for you and your employees.

Remember: Feedback isn’t just about correcting mistakes; it’s about helping your team grow, learn, and thrive. The next time an employee gets defensive, you’ll know exactly how to respond, keeping the conversation productive and building trust along the way.

If you want to dive deeper into empowering your team through coaching, I’ve created a free on-demand workshop. You can check it out at heykaralist.com/workshop or grab the link in the show notes.

Together, we can build a culture where feedback is welcomed, not feared, and where everyone can grow and thrive.