Are you trying to lead your team by being a nice boss?

If you’re nodding yes, I get it. You’re probably doing your best to be supportive, encouraging, and easy to work with. But here’s the hard truth: being nice might be the exact reason your team keeps struggling, and why you feel stuck as a leader.

The good news? There’s a better way—one that lets you feel confident and clear in every interaction without ever becoming “the bad guy.” I’ve coached countless leaders who’ve had to learn (often the hard way) that nice doesn’t always get results. And the conversation we’re about to have? It’s the one they wish they’d had sooner.

Let’s talk about what to do instead—and how to handle underperformance while still being the kind of leader you want to be.

The Trap of the “Nice” Response

Let’s say one of your employees tells you they won’t be able to meet the deadline for a task because they have too much on their plate. First of all—props to them for telling you ahead of time. But because they did, you might feel tempted to be nice and empathetic.

You say something like, “I totally get it, you do have a lot going on. Don’t worry about getting it done this week.”

It feels good. You feel like a compassionate leader. They feel relieved. Everyone walks away smiling. But guess what? That’s not leadership. That’s people-pleasing.

Here’s the thing: the definition of “nice” is pleasant or agreeable. Sounds lovely, right? Who doesn’t want to be seen that way? But there’s the keyword—seen.

Being nice is often less about helping others and more about preserving how we want to be perceived. It’s self-protection, not leadership.

Nice Is Rooted in Fear

Fear of being disliked. Fear of causing tension. Fear of being uncomfortable.

And when we lead from that place, we default to surface-level solutions that avoid the hard stuff—but leave bigger issues unresolved underneath.

It reminds me of my childhood home—a beautiful, historic house full of charm. But under the surface? Drafty windows, a damp dirt basement, old plumbing and electrical. No matter how many cosmetic updates we made, the real problems required deeper, more uncomfortable work.

Eventually, my parents realized: a pretty exterior couldn’t fix what was broken underneath.

And neither can niceness fix the foundational issues on your team.

Your Team Deserves More Than Niceness

Here’s the mindset shift: Being nice is about you. Being kind is about them.

I’m willing to bet you’ve worked under leaders who avoided tough conversations and wanted to be agreeable at all costs. How did that feel?

Now imagine you’re an employee waiting on a project that’s delayed because someone else missed a deadline—and your boss gave them a free pass. Still feel good?

So What’s the Alternative?

You don’t need to become a strict, cold, unbending boss. The goal isn’t to swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. The alternative to being nice isn’t being mean.

It’s being kind.

Kindness is rooted in generosity and consideration. It’s not about keeping things pleasant. It’s about doing what actually helps someone grow, improve, and succeed.

Nice Says “You’re Doing Great.”

Kind Says, “Let Me Help.”

Let me tell you a story.

It’s 4:45 p.m. at the grocery store. I was a new mom with a screaming baby in the cart, sweat pouring down my face while I tried to unload groceries one-handed.

People smiled. A few said encouraging things. “You’re doing great, mama!” They were being nice. And I appreciated it.

But then a woman came up, said “Let me help,” and without waiting, took my cart and walked with me to the car. While I got the baby buckled in, she loaded my groceries. No pep talk. No sympathy speeches. Just quiet, kind action.

That woman didn’t make me feel good with words—she helped me. That’s what I remembered when I told my husband about it later. That’s the power of kindness.

What Leading with Kindness Looks Like

Let’s go back to that employee who says they can’t meet a deadline.

Instead of saying:

“I totally get it. Don’t worry about getting it done this week.”

Try saying:

“Thanks for letting me know. This task is critical for the team this week—what do you think you can delegate or shift to meet the deadline?”

Or:

“I appreciate the heads-up. If it really can’t get done, how will you communicate the delay and the new plan to the team?”

It’s respectful. It’s honest. It’s focused on the goal. You’re offering support—not a free pass. And you’re helping your employee grow instead of shielding them from discomfort.

3 Signs You’re Hiding Behind Niceness

If you’ve ever struggled to be direct for fear of being the “bad guy,” you’re not alone. But here are some signs your niceness might be hurting more than helping:

1. You have an underperforming employee who doesn’t realize it.
   You give vague feedback to avoid conflict—but that only delays the inevitable.

2. You’re redoing work or avoiding growth conversations.
   You tell yourself you’re helping. But is it really for their benefit—or for your comfort?

3. You’re growing resentful.
   You’re frustrated, but instead of addressing it, you stay polite. That’s not kindness—it’s avoidance.

The Truth: Nice Hides. Kindness Tells the Truth.

Telling the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable—is one of the kindest things you can do as a leader. And here’s how to do it well.

I like to use a simple, 3-step framework I call the 3 N’s:

1. Notice
   Pay attention to where you’re defaulting to “nice.” Is it in the words you choose? The things you don’t say?

2. Name
   Acknowledge what’s really happening. “I’ve noticed you’re missing deadlines.” “I’m seeing some tension in the team.”

3. Navigate
   Help them move forward. Ask questions. Coach them. Set a plan. Hold them to it—with kindness and clarity.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to stop being compassionate. You don’t need to lose your warmth. But you do need to lead with truth, direction, and support.

Your team doesn’t need you to be nice.
They need you to be kind.
To be courageous.
To be clear.
To be helpful.

Because that’s the kind of leadership that actually changes things.